With the holidays approaching, here are some suggestions gleaned from airplane catalog for gifts to the politicians we have seen far too much of recently.
For Mitt Romney, resentful of "gifts" to voters such as student loans that he said re-elected his rival: A twinkling fiber-optic, all-weather "Reindog" that "sparkles with hundreds of ever-changing pinpoint lights," somewhat like Romney's ever-changing positions on everything. A steal at $229. Or you could give him the ergonomic wallet that stays thin and flexible because "fat wallets" are a "known leading cause of back problems." Just $34.99.
For retired Army Gen. David Petraeus, whose admitted affair with his biographer led to his resignation as CIA director: A copy of The Best Advice Ever by Ari Neptunia, which warns that "mistakes are the most destructive force in our lives" and helps you "turn on the power to success, money and happiness with zero mistakes." Just $12.99.
For President Barack Obama: An anti-anxiety shirt for First Dog Bo that keeps a "gentle, constant pressure that has a profound calming effect" on animals afraid of strangers from Capitol Hill, visits from the CIA director and having to leave the White House. Bo could have one in every color at only $39.95 each and share with his master.
For House Speaker John Boehner: An eight-foot ornamental windmill to help you "know which way the wind blows." A bargain at $89.99.
For Vice President Joe Biden: A burnt-finish wishing well. "Don't just wish for something distinctive -- add a rustic touch to your garden." You can help the vice president nourish his desire to be president for only $99.
For House Democratic leader Nancy Pelosi: A yellow Lamborghini mouse, keyboard and mouse pad for her computer to help her deal with the TV reporter who asked her if she was too old to serve another leadership term and if she should get out of the way of younger House members. An instant aging antidote for only $89.99.
For Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton, who says she's tired after "20 years of being on the high wire of American politics" and wants to rest and watch home-decorating shows: A device that holds trash bags for gathering leaves in windy conditions and "makes yard work a snap." Can you believe it's only $19.99? Add one for Bill for another $10.
For ambitious Paul Ryan, back in the House after his stint as Romney's running mate: Dress shirts each made of 10 different fabrics, colors and patterns billed as "one-of-a-kind shirts for one-of-a-kind men." This shirt "allows you to show that you're an individual, you're a little different than everyone else and you want them to take notice of who you are." Three for $159.99.
For grouchy Mitch McConnell, the Senate Republican leader, not at all sorry he said his main goal was denying Obama a second term: A "Human Slingshot" that is a "fresh new game, guaranteed to be a big hit whether you're playing or watching." It's an "exhilarating, fast-paced game that involves four people slinging each other back and forth within a human-sized stretchable band." Hours of fun for just $74.99.
For GOP money man Karl Rove, once known as "Bush's brain," who raised several hundred million dollars to defeat Obama and says his donors aren't upset: A four-foot walking crocodile statue that "will stun your neighbors and keep your garden free of all kinds of intruders." Rove can rest easy at just $169. Too pricey? You could send him the "no-blind-spot rearview mirror" for $59.95.
For Senate Democratic leader Harry Reid, who insists Democrats will negotiate with Republicans but won't be rolled over: The personal oxygen bar that "increases the concentration of oxygen you breathe by 30 percent, helping you to achieve a sense of calm to facilitate relaxation." A built-in speaker "plays up to four different ethereal musical patterns to accompany inhalation." Help Reid, a Mormon who doesn't consume alcohol, for just $399.95.
(Scripps Howard columnist Ann McFeatters has covered the White House and national politics since 1986.)